LOVE ME? LOVE ME NOT?

By Toral Mandrekar

July 7, 2020

Falling in love is so unique for all of us. Some people seek love, while some shy away from it. Some love Love, some despise it. Falling in love makes you vulnerable. It makes you cry and it makes you laugh. I read this quote on Wattpad by the author Sam Madison which said, “Why is it called falling in love, when falling implies collapsing and collapsing implies breaking.” For me love is when you feel at home. It is your safe space. Love should make you grow and should make you happy.

Relationships are tricky. The two individuals involved in a relationship have expectations, past experiences, insecurities and weaknesses of their own. For these two individuals to grow together and be happy, it requires immense effort. A lot of us expect our “other half” to make us happy. As we develop deep and intense feelings for that person, we often find our identity merging with them. We like the things they like and we do the things they like. Now, if this comes naturally to you and you are genuinely interested in their interests then well and good. However, if you find that you are subconsciously forcing yourself to be interested and that you are sacrificing your own likes and hobbies, you may soon become unhappy. This will not only do any good to your relationship but most importantly it will also do no good to YOU.

The movie Runaway Bride, starring Julia Roberts as Maggie, shows us the importance of having one's own identity before loving someone else. As the title suggests, she is a woman who has literally run away from the altar numerous times. In the movie, she is shown eating the same kind of eggs that her partner eats - if he orders scrambled, she eats scrambled, if he likes poached, she eats the same. Towards the end of the movie, Mr. Graham played by Richard Gere, calls her out and says - "You don't even know what kind of eggs you like". To this she defends herself by saying that she just changes her mind very often. He tells her that she doesn't have a mind of her own and this remark stays with her. Finally, in the end, she tastes all kinds of eggs, figures out what she likes and tells him about it. As you would predict, the two of them get married. Finding out what kind of eggs you like is a metaphor for finding out who you are/were without your partner. It is only then can you support, advice and love your partner unconditionally. To discover this, you need to accept and love yourself.

We have often heard about self-love but a lot of us don’t quite know what it means. Until recently, I would wonder how I could “love myself”? Do you write love letters addressing yourself or do you buy some flowers for yourself? These indeed are acts of self-love but they are external ones. We, as humans, often put ourselves down. We are overly critical of our thoughts and actions, we judge ourselves, we compare ourselves to other people. So, when we don’t like ourselves all that much and we think that we’re flawed, how can someone else love us unconditionally.

The first and most important step towards loving yourself is to identify negative self-talk. Look for keywords like, ‘failure’, ‘fat/thin’, ‘worthless’, ‘unlovable’, ‘dark’, etc. Phrases like “I don’t deserve you”, “I’m always the one at fault”, “You’re better off without me” are indications of self-blame, low self-esteem, attention-seeking behaviour and insecurity. Once you identify these keywords, you have to become aware of them - when do they come to your mind or when do you say them to yourself. When you do encounter them don’t judge yourself too harshly. They have been a part of you as a result of deep psycho-social conditioning and it is going to take time to rewire this conditioning. Once you encounter them, you can make a note of them. You can then pause and think as to how you can replace this negative self-talk with a positive and uplifting one. While you are at this, you can also try to discover why it is that you are using these words for yourself and find its deeper roots.

Once you have identified, noticed, noted and replaced the negative words, you can start applying it in your daily life. Start off with simple changes. Earlier, if you kept telling yourself that you are fat and that makes you ugly, look into the mirror and tell yourself “I like the way I look today. I look pretty and confident.” As you make progress, incorporate this encouraging self-talk into your daily thoughts and feelings. However, in face of distress you may feel tempted to go back to your original scripts. During a fight with your significant other, your negative self-talk may get triggered and you may say something like, “Of course you don’t love me, I am too difficult to handle”. If that happens, try not to say to yourself “I’m so weak, I can’t even control my own thoughts”. Cut yourself some slack and instead be mindful when you are in a similar stressful situation again. With constant and conscious effort, you will replace your self-talk to a gentler and more loving one.

While loving yourself is important, do not use it as an excuse to neglect your self-development and growth. Taking the earlier example into consideration, if being fat is a risk to your health, then make some changes in your life, try to exercise and regulate your diet. Just telling yourself that you are beautiful is not going to change the fact that your health is in danger. At the same time, take constructive criticism in your stride and use it to improve yourself. If you love yourself, you owe it to yourself to flourish and to be happy. Just remember: Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love unconditionally, for only if you love yourself can you receive love and spread love.

Fin.